I never liked Jen Lindley’s character but when she said this, it felt like she perfectly captured what I’ve been feeling most of my life.

“I feel like I never really quite fit… I want her [daughter] to belong. I feel like I never really did.”

Why do I blog about these things? I don’t know. Helps me sort my thoughts out, I guess.

1. I don’t get you and chances are, I never will, so I’m gonna stop trying now.

2. You’ve been missed and I’m really hoping to see you soon.

3. Favoritism isn’t fair but it’s kind of hard to avoid. I just hope you be a bit subtle about it.

4. You are greater still, despite all these, I trust You.

5. I appreciate you.

6. I’m sorry.

7. It’s not what you think but I’m just gonna ignore it.

8. I’m expectant and I know You will see me through this.

9. Stop!

10. You don’t know me :)

Something about leadership from Pastor Dennis Sy.

Hair cut?:)

Caution: this is all drama. Just saw american idol and joshua ledet sang No Drama by Mary J. blige. Love that song. Should sing that and live that soon.

So. Saturday. Supposed to go to a certain church activity but I decided against it. My eyes are puffy and sore. My nose is runny from a temporary cold. Having a crazy week. A really, really crazy week. And my most-awaited weekend started off in freakin tears. Seriously, if this goes on, dehydration is not very far off. And I am usually not like this. I think I’m allergic to too much work.

“You always act like we’re bad-a** but truth is, every word they say gets to you.” -Glee

1. Why am I even blogging about this? This isn’t an online journal. Dunno. Just felt like it. Doing what I feel like doing usually gets me in trouble. So yeah, appears like this is gonna be one of those things.

2. Why am I home on a Saturday? Weird, I know. I’m going out with Teejay later. One thing I’m actually looking forward to.

3. If you cry over a ministry, is it still healthy? Can I be released now? Just so you know, it is not easy and no one is making it any easier. At least reply people. Geez. I do have a job too.

4. Why are they like that? I don’t get them.

5. Why am I such a drama queen? I don’t get it either. I’m cool. I’m supposed to be all chill and not like this. Vulnerability is so not my thing. I don’t even like drama. It’s so…. Hmm… Dramatic. And ugly. And heavy. And stressful.

6. When will I sing with a band? Dunno. Just something I’ve always wanted to do.

7. When will it end? The stress this issue brings me. Ugh.

8. Sould I go to the office tomorrow? I feel like I want to. Wala Lang. Sunday work? Doesnt sound so bad. Wait. I’m becoming this really weird person. Oh no!!!!

9. Will I jog next week? Yeah, definitely! When will my zit die and go away permanently? I’ve had this for three weeks. Permanent resident???? Nooooo!!!!

10. Who do I talk to about all these? I talked to Tadz. Who else? Not sure anymore. Apparently, I’m not likable. What the heck was that about????

I’ve been here for a little less than five years. It has been an interesting journey - from the time I got introduced to Him (it was actually more of Him introducing Himself to me. He is awesome like that.) to now that I am called a leader. I’ve had seasons of sheer fire and passion and then there were those times of drought. I’ve loved people, got offended, forgave, forgot. Rode on such an emotional roller coaster with the people I call spiritual family. I’ve been adopted to three. One, where I got baptized, I stayed with for only 3 months. Second one was where I learned a lot about friendship, honesty and trust. Third one? Third one is what I call HOME. A lot happened in those five years… But after five years, what have I become?

A ‘proud’ Christian.

I was hanging out with a friend earlier and she made this remark about her being new in the faith and me being older.. I kind of felt proud at first then shame started kicking in. Whatever happened to humility? I am only five years old. During the time that I was just starting my walk with God, I was very passionate. In Christianese, that’s what we refer to as “on fire”. I was like what the Bible says - a child craving for milk. And then, like any other human being, I started to feel like I can handle things on my own. I felt like I know a lot of things already. I remember that’s how i was growing up. I always think I know stuff already. I can tie my shoes, eat on my own, read, write, etc… but apparently, these are not enough to survive. And what I know now about Jesus and Christianity is still very basic.

Sadly, I fell into the “old Christian” trap and got myself entangled on pride. I don’t know much. I am operating in grace. I always have and I always will. And even if I last 10, 20, 30 years, read gazillion books about Christianity, I hope to never forget humility. I don’t want to be that sort of Christian who walks around the church, proud, head held high, waiting for people to plead for her friendship. I want to be that type of Christian who reaches out. I want to be that type of Christian that listens to correction.

I don’t boast about my years here. I boast about one thing and one thing alone - the love of Jesus.

Raining. Loving it. Had a lot of ‘firsts’ today. ‘twas fun. Walked a lot. As in A LOT! This is going to be a really boring post.

1. First time to drive along EDSA northbound. I’ve driven from QC to Taguig before but I was tailing Mills’ car. This is very liberating. EDSA, I am not afraid of you anymore! (well, still afraid but not as much as before)
2. First time to drive to megamall. And first time to park there. Took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong way. Oh well, you live, you learn.
3. First time at Forever 21 in Megamall. Realized this just now. and I got nothing from that place.
4. First time at Happy Lemon. My new favorite :) that choco thing with rock salt. Awesomeness!!!
5. First time at Greenhills. Define SHOPPING! I had more fun there than when I shopped at HK.
6. First time to see a Muslim elevator guy complete with the whole outfit. Much respect.
7. First time at Papa John’s. Superb pizza and ribs. I wanna go back.
8. First time to watch a movie in 3D. Seriously. And I dunno why. but this was last night. Just ran out of things to out in here.
9. First time at Pia’s place!
10. First time i realized this is a year of good memories. :)

And after a whole day of shopping, I still managed to forget to buy shoes - the one thing I actually need. Good job.

I missed days like this. Just quiet. Just chillin, hangin, losin the last ‘g’ in every verb. And then it rained. Made this day monumental. It’s been crazy hot the last couple of weeks and I’m not a very big fan of dry, summer season so the rain totally made me happy. Only, I got the aircon finally installed and then the weather started changing its mind. Bummer. Oh well, at least I won’t have to put up with sky-high electric bill. On to my holiday random thoughts…

1. When did I stop dreaming? If someone would ask me what my dream is, I won’t have an answer. And I guess when you stop dreaming, you’ve got nothing to work hard for except money. And the thought just sucks.

2. When was the last time I did something to make someone else happy? When was the last time I decided to put someone else’s happiness before mine?

3. Dahil dyan, I wanna be in the business of making people happy. No, I don’t want to be in show business or be a clown or a comedienne. My humor is near zero. I just feel like any job that makes people happy is the most fulfilling job. I wanna affect people’s lives. Like make them cry coz of extreme happiness. Just saw the Never Say Never movie about Justin Bieber. The happiness that he brings to those people is just mind-blowing. It must feel really good to cause joy to other people. Wala lang. How will I do that if I’m stuck inside the office, staring at my computer for nine hours?? Beats me.

4. Everything is fleeting. Nothing lasts forever. Was thinking of what i treasure the most. One word - Relationships. I’m not the most caring, compassionate, showy person in the world but I sure love these people. My family, Teejay, my friends…

5. I’ve gotta start getting a hold of my temper. It’s just wrong. And I better start showing appreciation towards the guards and receptionists.

6. Do I stop caring about what other people say? No, actually, I wish people would just come up to me and tell me. or…. I wish I could just hear people’s thoughts. Haha. That’d be so cool. And stressful, i guess.

7. I wish I could hear from You more… I feel like I’m being swayed, tossed back and forth and I’m kinda confused… Would You talk to me?

8. Why is ‘sorry’ such a hard word to say?!?! Seriously.

9. I wish I could tell everyone that they don’t know me and that no matter how much I try to explain, I can’t. But their opinion of me is none of my business. Still stresses me out, though.

10. The next three weeks are gonna be stressful. I’m dreading Wednesday.